I journal, meditate, exercise, oil pull, make vegan shakes, try to cut out sugar, dairy, alcohol, gluten, make spreadsheets of my goals/finances, spend time with my family, energy tap, and then try to exercise some more...Read More
Happy Saturday, Loves!
A few months back, I was inspired to write an article about my personal journey on how I healed my broken heart after embarking on several very toxic and one emotionally abusive relationship.
I searched tirelessly for that piece I knew I was missing in the healing process in order to find peace and understanding as to why I was continuing to ALLOW MYSELF to get mired in so much drama and pain.
I'm REALLY PROUD of this vulnerable story, and am beyond honored that The Everygirl wanted to publish it-- I love their insightful pieces and gorgeous taste on everything from fashion, to home decor to places I look forward to visiting one day.
So without further ado, here's my story, How A Life Coach Healed Her Broken Heart. I hope if this resonates or you think someone else will find it helpful, that you'll pass it along!
Lots of love from my healed heart,
It's no secret to those of you who've been following me for a while, that one of the greatest gifts I've reaped from my 10 year self-help journey, is my ability to now say "no" to things I don't want to do.
I have no problem saying, "I'm too tired" or, "My week is already full, so adding one more plan is too much for me."
Or even more empowering: "I LOVE you and I LOVE your kid, but I really don't want to go to her birthday party and make small talk with a bunch of parents I don't know."
Seriously. I've said the latter, and despite feeling a residual twinge of Irish Catholic guilt after years of saying yes to things because I was taught, "It's the right thing to do," it feels freeing as f#$% to say:
"I LOVE YOU AND I'M GOING TO PASS," without needing to come up with an excuse that would be more socially acceptable than, "I'M GONNA CHOOSE ME INSTEAD!"
But this week, I realized that perhaps I've clung to the opposite side of the pendulum for too long, out of fear that I might lose my self-care practice and end up feeling resentment for fulfilling "mind-made" obligations again.
I imagine it's how someone would feel after she loses 50 lbs.
In the year it took her to shed the weight, she didn't touch a granule of sugar or drop of alcohol, but now that she's accustomed to her ideal weight, it feels scary to say "yes" to a slice of cake at her best friend's wedding, out of fear that all her hard work will go out the window.
I felt fear and major resistance when my dear friend told me her ex-boyfriend who I'm NOT a fan of, will be coming to LA next month.
I knew him back in the day, and overall have not been a fan for what I think is a variety of good reasons, and because of the sisterly relationship I have with my friend, I didn't hold back with the biggest "WTF" reaction, when she told me.
But sister-friend held her own and made it very clear about where she is at with the relationship and why it felt right for her to say yes to his visit.
I softened a bit, as I trust my friend and appreciated where she was coming from, but then immediately let her know that I would NOT be interested in getting together with them.
She burst out laughing and said, "Claire! I would NEVER ask you to do that."
Cue the pendulum swinging more towards neutral.
I paused. Took a breath, and said, "You know what? You have been SUCH an amazing friend to me. You've literally dropped everything at the last minute for me multiple times. You're one of the few friends who I call and 95% of the time you ACTUALLY pick up... I will totally meet up with you guys, and I promise to behave myself!"
We both fell over laughing...
at my expense of course.
I went from WHY ARE YOU LETTING HIM COME?! to...
I understand and I trust you know what you're doing. to...
But don't even think about all of us getting together. to...
I'll totally hang out with you guys!
In a span of maybe seven minutes.
And I call myself a life coach. A GOOD one, in fact!
Because this work isn't about always having the "perfect" reaction when unexpected external information automatically triggers you based on old stories or ideas you have about what YOU think is right.
It's about being malleable in the present moment. Holding a plan loosely. Being clear on your values with the understanding that they won't always be black and white, or the exact same as your loved ones' values.
And most importantly, this work is about being humble and vulnerable enough to admit when your reaction wasn't necessarily the best, taking responsibility, and making it right for the people you love and who love you.
Am I dying to reconnect with my dear friend's ex? No. But I am dying to do something for someone who has done SO much for me...
NOT OUT OF GUILT or any mind-made obligation...but just out of my genuine love for her and desire to support her in a situation that I trust she feels very clear-headed about. If she was looking to go back down a slippery slope with this individual, that would of course be a different story.
Who in your life has recently asked you to do something for them that you immediately have felt very resistant to doing?
What is the resistance about?
A genuine desire to take care of yourself first, due to complete depletion of your time and energy?
Perhaps a little stubbornness or selfishness based on your marriage to what YOU think is best for yourself or your loved one, without considering that she might feel something else is best for her, and that your support would be wildly appreciated??
If it's the latter, what would it look like to swallow your pride, admit where you were initially coming from, and blow your loved one away by showing up for her in a way that she'd NEVER in her wildest dreams expect?
Trust me. It FEELS AWESOME.
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday.
PS I'm CREATING A NEW NICHE TO WORK WITH COLLEGE WOMEN!!! If you know someone who may benefit from this work, have her contact me, and we'll set up a FREE STRATEGY SESSION!!
It suddenly went from "Where are you from, Claire?" to him pulling his chair over to my table--WITHOUT ASKING-- and boring his eyes into mine with long awkward pauses, telling me I'm very mysterious...Read More
I was of course devastated by the betrayal, but more devastated by the LOSS OF MYSELF due to the gaslighting, and FELT SO MUCH RELIEF ONCE I KNEW THERE WAS AN ACTUAL TERM FOR THIS BEHAVIOR, BECAUSE I FINALLY FELT LIKE I WASN'T ALONE.Read More
Have you guys heard of ORBITING?? It's the latest term the kids have coined for when your ex lurks on your Instagram stories. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the gram, you can post pics and videos in your stories that last 24 hrs, and whoever watches is listed below.
If you’ve been following me for a while, you know I’m ADAMANT about cutting off ALL CONTACT after a break-up.
The time spent after a break-up should be focused on healing and moving forward--NOT posting to get a like from him, or stalking his page to see who he’s with or how “moved on” he seems.
I’ve definitely been triggered by an ex orbiting me, and have many friends and clients who’ve experienced the same head-scratcher, making us wonder:
If you were so clear about not wanting to be with me anymore, WHY do you keep watching my stories?!
It creates A LOT OF THOUGHT DRAMA that can be nipped in the bud if you bring yourself back to a GROUNDED REALITY.
Here are some things to consider:
1) Instagram stories bleed into the next account’s stories of whoever you’re following. Your ex could be watching a slew of stories and then yours pops up organically, so he continues to watch amidst all the other accounts he follows. No rhyme or reason, but you think it means something because of YOUR feelings—not necessarily his…
2) If you want him to stop, you CAN BLOCK HIM—don’t worry about thoughts like, “Well then he’ll think I’m crazy” or “I don’t want him to forget me!” Take care of YOU. Let your ex think whatever he’s going to. Your Instagram account shouldn’t be the catalyst to bring you back together.
3) If you’re driving yourself crazy wondering WHY he keeps watching, ASK HIM. What is the RESULT you want?? I want to know WHY. Ok. Then ASK.
I took option 3 with an ex because we no longer followed each other on Instagram, so I was baffled by his name repeatedly showing up at the top of my stories, six months after our break-up.
The first couple of times, I thought “Well, all exes get a little curious, but someone needs to tell this child I can SEE that he’s watching…”
But by the fifth time over a period of a couple of weeks, I’d had it—especially because he claimed that despite there being “so much good” he didn’t see us working through the challenges we faced as a couple, nor did he want to.
I was gutted to say the least… Just days before the break-up he had sent beautiful messages stating how in awe he was of me, and how much he wanted to work through our challenges.
Thankfully, I followed my own 10 Steps to Heal Heartbreak (subscribe to watch!) and was pleasantly surprised by how quickly I’d moved on… the first couple of months were pretty brutal, but by the time he was watching my stuff 6 months later, I thought:
“CLASSSSIC UNIVERSE. Just when he becomes a distant memory, he starts. To. ORBIT!!!!”
Could I have blocked him? Absolutely.
But the truth is he was unblocked at this point because I got overly confident about not caring anymore!
Yes, even life coaches have blindspots and moments of unawareness, which can feel quite humbling to say the least...
So I heard my coach telling me, “Make it MATH. NOT DRAMA! What’s the RESULT you want?”
The result I wanted was knowing why he kept coming to my page to watch my life, after making such a clear decision to not want to be in it. I offered that I was here if he had something to say, but if nothing had changed, I felt it wasn’t healthy for him or me that he continues to…well…STALK.
I received a pretty flippant, rushed, poorly written response that ultimately said, “What can I say? I was curious! I’ll stop.”
Was it unsatisfactory? Absolutely.
Did I regret reaching out? HELL NO.
I wanted an answer and I got one. No more wondering, story-making, or “WTF! He watched AGAIN!,” and most importantly, I SHUT DOWN WHAT I THOUGHT WAS NOT COOL BEHAVIOR.
It was an opportunity to step into my power while still being kind and vulnerable, and getting to implement a boundary.
If you find yourself giving WAY to much energy creating stories around your ex’s or anyone eles’s social media activity, present yourself with this Byron Katie question:
WHO WOULD I BE WITHOUT THIS THOUGHT?
I would be someone who’s putting myself out there to meet Mr. Right. I would be focusing on taking my career to the next level. I would be having more meaningful conversations with my girlfriends instead of psychoanalyzing someone’s behavior who frankly, proved in the end he wasn’t the emotionally available man I’d wanted him to be.
Orbiting is a term that totally amuses the millennial within, but letting it derail your healing process or distract you from living your fullest life, is on YOU.
The orbiter is NEVER in control of your thoughts or feelings, so next time you get triggered by the lurking, either block or ask for the facts…
Then ghost the mutha-f*&#@!!!
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday!!!
Interested in working with me? The only requirement is that you understand my twisted sarcasm… If so, email firstname.lastname@example.org and let’s get started with your first FREE strategy session!