If Only He'd Do It MY Way

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Anyone else a total control freak like MOI or many of my clients?

This week, my baller of a client dove into the session with:

WE’VE GOTTA WORK ON MY CONTROL ISSUES.

The self-help nerd in me thought, YAASSSSSS! for her, and ME TOO!, so I was selfishly excited about what we’d uncover for us both:)

Although I don’t like to indulge ANYONE’S “I’m-just-SO-busy” story, this woman legit has a busy life:

Full-time job, studying to become a physical trainer AND a health coach, married, and takes care of her child solo for part of the week, due to her husband working out of town.

AND…they just MOVED.

So lots of adjusting with finding the right school for her daughter, settling into the new home, her new job, and… still in the process of selling their old home.

I’m not gonna lie— even I feel angsty listing it all out for you, but GUESS WHAT?

This is life, and as I mentioned… SHE’S A BALLER AT IT.

HER ONLY TWO PROBLEMS ARE:

A) she doesn’t fully recognize (though she’s come a long way!) the baller she is and

B) she wants to control how everything is “supposed” to go

So, when she delegated the inspection issues of the home they’re selling, to her husband, her DISCOMFORT took over, because— OBVI— she THOUGHT she would do a much better job at it than him.

Have you ever been there? Where you’re SO CONVINCED that your way is the right way?

But think about it…

When you THINK your way is so much better while you’re not the one doing the task, (whether you relinquished control or never had it) HOW DO YOU FEEL?

Liz felt anxious, fearful, irritated, and…well…. CONTROLLING.

And when she feels all those fun feelings BECAUSE OF THE WAY SHE’S THINKING, ironically, her ACTIONS end up being that she tries to control her husband by following up and making sure he’s doing it the “right” way anyway!

It really is so funny when you SLOW DOWN and look at how you THINK you’re taking something off your plate, but really, it can potentially create MORE anxiety when you’re NOT MANAGING YOUR MIND AROUND IT.

This is why I’m quite biased about hiring a COACH:)

So I asked Liz: Is this still something you are SURE you do NOT want to deal with? Are there other priorities in your life like your health coaching program and self-care practices that matter WAY MORE than you taking on this task?

100% yes. But I’d feel more relief knowing that the inspection would be done MY way! How do I let go of the shitty way he’ll do it?!

Ooooooh I thought this was so good!!!

YOU GET TO FEEL RELIEF WHETHER YOU DECIDE TO TAKE THIS TASK ON YOURSELF, OR DELEGATE IT TO YOUR HUSBAND.

If you’re SURE you’d prefer him to do it, tell me what you need to be thinking in order to STILL CULTIVATE RELIEF for yourself.

FRIENDLY REMINDER, FOLKS: OUR THOUGHTS CREATE OUR FEELINGS….If you don’t want to think a shitty thought, CHANGE IT.

I’d need to be thinking that I’m SO EXCITED ABOUT MY NEW BUSINESS IDEA I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT YET, CLAIRE! Which is why I don’t want to take on the inspection. This is what I want to be focusing on…. As well as getting my daughter to start eating other things besides PBJ’s and grilled cheeses!!

GREAT! So every time you want to check up on your husband, remind yourself that you made a CHOICE to give him the task because there are way more important things you want to focus on, and how LUCKY you are that he’s willing do it for you!

And let’s say his way isn’t perfect… (or your idea of perfect), remind yourself that YOU CHOSE FOR HIM TO TAKE THE REIGNS ON THIS.

Our brains have a real fun way of letting us forget our WHY’S behind making decisions to BENEFIT us, versus DRIVE US NUTS.

Slow it down. Pause. Breathe. And remind yourself of what matters most.

When it’s all said and done, I’d go out on a limb and say that for most of us, perfection wouldn’t be the answer.

Happy Claire Your Mind Monday

PS Interested in working with me? I’m taking on 5 new clients for the new year AND OFFERING A YEAR LONG SPECIAL THAT EXPIRES DECEMBER 31st! Message me for a FREE CONSULTATION where we’ll discuss how to make 2019 your BEST YEAR YET!

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How Badly Do You Want to Get Over Him?

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How many of you are or have been heartbroken and you want SO BADLY to get over Mr. Wrong? 

Or maybe you’re not convinced he’s the WRONG one, but he’s chosen to walk away so therefore, YOU JUST WANNA GET OVER HIM!

I’ve been there one too many times…

Wanting to CHANGE MY FEELINGS for him because he no longer wants to be in the picture.

And I’d start to indulge a story that there must be something wrong with me that I’d long for someone who not only didn’t treat me well, but WHY WOULD I WANT TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME?   

Here’s the thing—this kind of resistance and self-judgment KEEPS US MARINATING IN THE HEARTBREAK. 

What if you ALLOWED your heart to hurt from feeling rejected?  

What if you ALLOWED your heart to long for the guy who at one point, swept you off your feet? 

What if you ALLOWED your heart to cultivate self-compassion instead of self-judgment? 

And my clients say, BUT CLAIRE, I HATE HOW THIS FEELS SO MUCH

I DON’T WANT to want him back. 

I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.

I don’t want to feel this dread when I wake up in the morning and go to bed at night.

What if I offered that YOU DO WANT TO THINK AND FEEL ALL THESE SAD EMOTIONS AND STORIES YOU’RE INDULGING? 

Yes, they are stories and you ARE indulging them by allowing the brain to run amok by thinking and feeling the worst meanings you’re making out of the split. 

When you argue with reality, you suffer… but only 100% of the time.  Thank you Queen Byron Katie! 

One of my coaches, Brooke Castillo, offers that life is 50% negative and 50% positive. 

What if we leaned into the pain we are feeling for ALL the losses life will inevitably present to us? 

I’m not asking you to necessarily LOVE WHAT IS—even though this is EXACTLY what Katie preaches and is actually the title of her book—but it would be A GREAT START TO PERHAPS EXPLORE NOT RESISTING WHAT IS…

This is a work in progress for me ALWAYS, my loves. 

Not just in my love-life, but in my friendships, my business, with my family, and my health. 

I can hate that I have a recurring cough that exhausts me for months.  I can hate that a friend is hurt by me putting myself first.  I can hate that setting higher goals for my business alerts my brain to MAD PANIC.

OR I can surrender to the uncomfortable feelings that comes with the 50% of life that is unavoidably negative.   

Lean into the discomfort, loves.

From there, your heart will absolutely soften. 

And THEN, you get to DECIDE how and when you want to shift your story.   

I’m often asked, HOW LONG DOES THIS TAKE?

As long as it’s supposed to. 

I know that’s probably not what you want to hear… 

But what I’ve learned is, that when I’ve wanted to get over him SO BADLY, allowing myself to feel the hurt, the longing, the rejection, and the shame, is always a much quicker way to get there. 

Happy Claire Your Mind Monday. 

PS interested in working with me?  Message me for a FREE CONSULTATION to finish off 2018 with a bang, and start 2019 off with the utmost authenticity, vigor and GRACE. 

 

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He Said: Forgive Me For Asking This Question...

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Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE SMALL TALK.

An ex once asked, “If you hate small talk so much, why did you become a life coach?”

Ummmmm, it’s EXACTLY why I became a life coach. 

I much prefer BIG TALK vs. small talk.

 I WANNA GET DEEP.  I don’t want to talk about the weather or traffic. 

I want to know what eats you up inside.  I want to know what makes your heart soar.  I want to know what you’re DYING to do in this lifetime, and how you’re gonna go about doing it.

So, you can only imagine how much FUN I have when I take an Uber ride.

To put it mildly, it’s my worst nightmare. 

When I returned from Cabo, my driver wanted to argue with me about the name of my hood, West LA.  Most people in LA don’t know that there’s an actual little area between Beverly Hills and Santa Monica that is referred to as West LA. 

 He literally GUFFAWED at me, and tried telling me about the lay of the land I’d been living in for the last 5 years. 

He then conveniently let me know that he’s struggling to pay for better upholstery for the interior of his car as I was scrambling to get out as quickly as possible, upon arrival.   

Then you’ve got my all-time favorite interactions at Trader Joe’s.  I swear to God they have GOT to offer their check-out employees better conversation-starter topics. 

Look, I’m ALL ABOUT BEING POLITE AND GENUINELY APPRECIATIVE TO ANYONE WHO IS IN A SERVICE POSITION, (or anyone period!) but I don’t feel like telling you “what I’m up to for the rest of the day.” 

You seriously want me to rattle off that I’m heading to a gyno appointment, then spending a solid 2 hours looking for “the one” on Bumble after my gyno yet again reminds me that I should have started trying to conceive yesterday, and after that?  Probs drown my sorrows in the bottle of Two Buck Chuck you thankfully, so carefully packed. 

HOW ABOUT YOU, JOE?!  What are YOU up to after work?

So as usual, I braced myself for an invasive conversation when I hopped into a cab to LAX, heading for Ireland last week.

It was going to be a long 45 minute ride, thanks to rush hour traffic.

My inner monologue prayed: Please God don’t talk about the traffic… PLEASE GOD!

WELL WELL WELL.

Jason TOTALLY pleasantly surprised me.

I don’t know what it was, but we got into a lovely, ORGANIC chat, which led him to asking what I did for a living, prefaced with:  I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND ME ASKING…

Jason’s mama raised him with some MANNERS!

I explained that I’m a heartbreak coach, which inspired more questions that were intelligent and genuine.

(Trust me: I know the difference between skepticism and judgment, vs open mindedness and polite curiosity) 

Jason wanted to know what led me on this path.  I shared MY HEARTBREAK STORY with him, and his immediate response was:

I’m so sorry that happened to you. 

PLEASE DON’T BE!   

I explained that I attracted that guy because of my very low self-esteem at the time, which was an invitation to wake up and take a good, long, hard look in the mirror and get real about how poorly I’d been treating myself for so many years.

The bottom line was, if my self-esteem was high, I NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLERATED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Lovely Jason offered yet another polite preface before asking a question that most Trader Joe’s employees and Uber drivers I’ve met apparently were not taught to do, with:

“Forgive me for asking this and you don’t have to answer and I don’t wanna sound…”

Jason. We’re practically besties.  Whatchyou wanna know?

Well I hear this a lot…Attractive women like you, talking about having low self-esteem and I hope it doesn’t sound ignorant, but I don’t understand how someone like you would have low self esteem…

I wasn’t offended at all, and I thought it was a great question.

Forgive the not-so-humble brag by sharing his flattering observation, but I totally understood what he meant, as I have the most beautiful clients and girlfriends on the inside and out, WHO DON’T THINK THEY ARE WORTH THE GREAT SALARY, GUY, or JOB.     

They’d do ANYTHING for their friends, family, and emotionally unavailable partners, and put more effort into cheering them on from the sidelines…

But they find themselves hurt because those loved ones might not necessarily do the same for them in return.  Or they’re exhausted from giving, giving, giving, or financially spent because they’d never say no to an expensive birthday getaway, or a wedding that they realistically can’t afford.    

There are SO many reasons why I had low self-esteem that were never properly addressed for too long.  (But of course, I believe timing is everything so no regrets on when I embarked on this healing journey) 

As a kid, despite having a family who was ALWAYS there for me, I still felt “not enough” in my social life, even though my childhood friends are still some of my closest.

It wasn’t a reflection on them.  It was a reflection of my THOUGHTS ABOUT MYSELF and the values that seemed to be so important in the culture of my hoighty-toighty hometown. 

Being skinny, pretty, and rich were basic requirements to feel accepted, where I grew up. 

Looking back, I recognize I had a very privileged childhood, but at the time, compared to my friends, I was the taller, more awkward, less rich, and less pretty one throughout middle school into high school. 

Then I picked the most soul-sucking career an insecure girl in her early 20’s could pick— 

FECKIN’. ACTING.

Acting is still my first love, but alllll the mistakes I made and missed opportunities I messed up because I had my low self-esteemed-head up me arse, allowed for that lack of self-worth to continue to play out.

Sure, I’ve had some great experiences acting over the years and continue to appreciate the auditions I get today, (thankfully with a lot more skill and confidence) but again, I found myself cheering my more successful friends on, accepting that them being the stars was always going to be “the way it is.”   

And I didn’t have this acute sense of self-awareness until I hit rock bottom in my love-life.

The pain was unbearable and my strong conviction as the victim bled into every other area of my life, which broke friendships, (some irreparable) and again, destroyed a lot of incredible audition opportunities I was fortunate to have during my years in NYC.

The universe served me someone on a silver platter to reflect back the poor treatment I’d been giving myself for years prior, based on false beliefs that disguised what true worthiness really meant to me at my core. 

I’m actually glad it happened because without that experience, I wouldn’t be doing what I do NOW.

Does this make sense, Jase?

He said it totally did. And then proceeded to tell me about his biggest heartbreak that happened not too long ago…

He wasn’t interested in opening his heart again any time soon, but of course I gave him unsolicited coaching advice and told him that the more we’re willing to let our hearts break by staying open and being our most authentic and vulnerable selves, the greater the chance of finding our person.

Then.

Wait for it.

I asked for a hug at the end.

Yep. Ms Anti-Making-Friends-With-Strangers hugged it out with her Uber driver, and it was the greatest kick-off to the most EPIC week I had with my family and friends in Dublin!

Where do you feel most insecure in your life? Is it one area or several areas?

Although I offered a therapy angle to Jason by connecting the dots from my past, as a life coach, my approach is to focus on the PRESENT and start cleaning up what’s not working, right here, RIGHT NOW, in order to create an incredible FUTURE.

If you’re intrigued to finish off 2018 with a bang, and kick off 2019 with a CONCRETE approach and PLAN TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION!

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Who I Need Him To Be

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How many of you think about all the qualities you “need” your man or ideal man to be for you to feel good?

I for sure do.

I want him to be Generous. Attentive. Kind. Affectionate. Funny. Charming. Stylish. Committed. Loyal. Honest. Attractive. Smart. Cultured. Ambitious. Emotionally available. Anti-Trump.

Ok fine— the last one for SURE is a non-negotiable for me.

But the rest all seem like pretty reasonable desires, right?

I’m not arguing that they’re unreasonable qualities to seek out in a partner, but I see so often how this trips up so many of my single clients, friends, and even those IN committed relationships.

And ummm… ME.

We’re so focused on who he is, how he shows up, what he says and does (or doesn’t!), that we’re not really connecting to OURSELVES.

“But Claire, when he’s generous or sends me a sweet text, it let’s me know that he’s interested and is thinking of me, which makes me feel WORTHY and LOVED!”

TRUTH BOMB:

It’s your THOUGHTS about that person that makes you feel worthy and loved.

So what’s it going to take to tap into the feelings of worthiness, self-love, self-compassion, loving kindness, warmth, and SECURITY you CRAVE from your partner, and instead cultivate all of these desired feels for YOURSELF??

Record scratch.

Look, I’m not saying you don’t want to attract a fabulous partner, or that there are some qualities in your current partner you simply don’t want to love, and YOU DON’T HAVE TO.

But EVERY time (yes EVERY) time we’re needing someone to be something they’re not, we’re asking for PAIN.

I’m all about effective communication with a partner to see if perhaps a little more physical affection would be something he’d be interested in offering because it’s something that you crave, but WHAT IF HE REFUSES TO?

You get to DECIDE the MEANING you want to make out of him not wanting to express himself in that way. You get to DECIDE if it’s a deal breaker.

And full transparency, this would be a tough one for me, but I wouldn’t know it was a deal breaker until I was IN the relationship.

Perhaps he WAS physically affectionate at one point but then became withdrawn.

The life coach in me would want to explore that vs FIGHT IT and get curious at a time when I sense he might be more open to have a conversation vs MAKE DEMANDS THAT THIS IS WHAT I NEED AND IF YOU DON’T GIVE IT THEN I’M OUT.

As I type the above, I feel a little residual shame because I used to be that woman who would look for all the reasons to bounce.

Frankly, I have a tendency to still do it, but I now have the tools to check myself and a fabulous VILLAGE of coaches and women who hold me accountable to not let FEAR take over my DEEPEST desire, which is to find true love.

We are SUCH complex humans, loves. The older I get, the more I realize that NOTHING is black and white when it comes to our closest relationships.

Stay open. Go deep within. Ask yourself what your supposed need from him is REALLY about, and if it’s possible for you to fulfill that need for yourself.

Finally, I’ll leave you with a gem of a concept MY coach, Stacey Smith, shared on my recent business retreat in Cabo.

She said that before she met her fiance, she thought about the kind of man she was searching for. And then she thought about the kind of WOMAN the man of her desires would be looking for, and she BECAME that woman.

Now don’t freak out— this isn’t about molding to become someone you’re not. This is coming from a space of desiring the highest quality human, and then wanting to be that highest quality human to match him.

This is something that has really stuck with me in the last week…

The man I desire is just pure good. A solid human. He’s hilarious. Kind. And he’s looking for a woman to knock his socks off and challenge his bullshit. He wants a family, like me, and he isn’t afraid to go after what he wants… ie ME. ;)

So who’s the woman I need to be for him?

She’s NO BULLSHIT. (check!) She’s vulnerable and kind and fun and generous. She’s flexible and easy going, but not a doormat and isn’t afraid to implement boundaries so that her own self-care practice and work aren’t compromised. She challenges him in a loving but sometimes brutally honest way, and DOESN’T NEED HIM TO MAKE HER HAPPY.

BOOM.

We are both just a lovely addition to each other’s life.

I’m gonna continue to sit with this belief and manifest the F out of this beautiful relationship that I know is waiting for me at the perfect time and in perfect place.

While fully believing your person is out there, become the BEST version of yourself. And if you’re already in a relationship?

BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOURSELF.

Work with me to figure out HOW.

Happy Claire Your Mind Monday from DUBLIN!

XOXO

Claire

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What This Heartbreak Coach Is Willing to Let Go Of

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When I told people I was going to Cabo for a business retreat, the general consensus was:

“WOW! That’s going to be AMAZING!”

Yes, it would be, but I also knew I was going to be triggered as f%$*.

I signed up for this trip with 10 other life coaches who, like me, are looking to grow their businesses to super high levels.

In case you’re new to my blog, I’ve been a big preacher on how DISCOMFORT is a GUARANTEE when it comes to growing in ANY area of your life.

So, yeah… Cabo was going to be beautiful and luxurious beyond my wildest dreams, (we were fed sushi on a YACHT, y’all) but I was mildly terrified about shining a light on my fear of getting towards where I want to go.

Enter my baller of a coach, Stacey Smith, who is a force to be reckoned with.

She’s about to scale at almost a MILLION DOLLARS in her THIRD year of being a coach, and her belief that I can do it too, astounds me.

As we mapped out the next THREE YEARS of what we would like our businesses to look like, the panic, resistance, and dare I say, DREAD, set in.

HOW THE HELL AM I GOING TO DO THIS?

WHAT SACRIFICES WILL I HAVE TO MAKE IN ORDER TO GET THERE?

MAYBE I’M NOT A GOOD ENOUGH COACH TO BE PUSHING MYSELF IN THIS DIRECTION.

The third one really threw me into a tailspin.

I’m a heartbreak coach and to be honest, I’m a little bit OVER getting my heart broken right now.

I think I’m READY for love.

I think I’d make an amazing partner to someone.

I think I’m TOTALLY worthy of a healthy, strong, and happy romantic relationship.

So if that’s what I THINK, and am still a firm believer that my thoughts create my reality, then why is the RESULT that I’m NOT in a desirable relationship?

As we mapped out our three-year goals, the most mind-blowing part of the exercise for me was writing 25 things I’d be WILLING to fail at or let go of, in order to reach my goal.

A few were easy to rattle off, like skipping a blog post one week, or accepting “no’s” from potential clients, which I’m actually quite good at, being that I’ve been acting on and off professionally for the last 18 years…

But without thinking twice, #22 almost wrote itself:

I’m willing to let my heart get broken over and over until I meet Mr. Right, without letting it be a reflection of how “good” of a heartbreak coach I am.

My deepest truest self KNOWS I’m REALLY GOOD at coaching on heartbreak, even though I sometimes get super pissed when I think, “Yet again, another dude who flips the switch after being full court press,” which just so happened to me recently.

I teach my clients that we don’t get to have control over our circumstances. We get to control HOW WE SHOW UP under our circumstances, and DAMN I feel pretty freakin’ proud about the way I show up.

With Grace. Class. Vulnerability. Authenticity. Honesty. Respect. And Kindness.

I allow myself to feel the disappointment.

I take a compassionate inventory on my own behavior and fairly evaluate what I could have done differently, if anything at all.

And now a days— for the most part— I find myself to be pretty BADASS in my dating life.

This doesn’t always guarantee me the results I want, but it does offer me an invitation to step deeper into the well of love that exists within.

THIS is what I’m so proud to guide my own clients in discovering.

Our hearts will inevitably hurt in this lifetime, but we can learn to manage it, be with it, love it and build SO MUCH RESILIENCE so that it will continue to stay open and vulnerable and BELIEVE, no matter what.

I love what I coach. I love what I’ve endured so that I GET TO COACH. And I love that I’m still continuing to heal, learn, and grow as a human and as a coach, with zero shameful secrets to hide.

I accept that others might see this as a “failure” on my part. Or not accomplished enough to coach them…

But I’m not for everyone.

And if I keep living it to give it for MY PEOPLE, and practice what I preach with love and compassionate allowance to fall on my face, I will continue to see my life as an exciting opportunity to share more of who I am and how I show up.

What do you want to achieve? What bullshit limiting belief is holding you back from believing you can?

What if being IMPERFECT at what you want to do is an opportunity for you to step further into the fire and come out the other side as a transformed being you never knew you were capable of becoming??

You are exactly where you are supposed to be, my loves. This I know for sure.

But if you want to create a life that’s different from where you’re at, I also know for sure you can 100% MAKE THAT HAPPEN.

ARE YOU READY? ARE YOU WILLING TO ACCEPT FAILURE, JUDGMENT AND LETTING GO OF LIMITING BELIEFS AS PART OF YOUR JOURNEY TO GET THERE?

If so, message me for a FREE CONSULTATION.

Happy Claire Your Mind Monday.

Love,

Claire

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What I WOULDN'T Do For My Client

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It’s funny.

As a life coach, I’m ALL about reminding my clients about how far they’ve come and if they’re getting in their own way, I’m not shy about pointing that out either…

After all that’s what I hire MY coaches for!

But it’s easy for us to lose sight of all that’s been accomplished while we’re continuing to work with a coach so that we can keep on GROWING.

Last week, I had a session with one of my year-long clients, who is a recovering people-pleaser.

This girl is about as sweet and kind as they COME. She cracks me up with her spaz attack sense of humor, and her desire to step into the best version of herself on a daily basis in ALL aspects of her life is awe-inspiring to say the least.

Unlike a majority of my clients, Sarah did not come to me with relationships issues.

In fact, for the five months we’ve been working together, our sessions have NEVER been about her live-in girlfriend of 2 years, because it really is and has been an ideal relationship.

Anyone else out there thinking, WOW! I WONDER WHAT THAT’S LIKE!

Just me?

Got it.

BACK TO SARAH.

Recently, she started taking a closer look at her relationship as any introspective person would after two years, EVEN THOUGH THERE WERE REALLY NO PROBLEMS!

Sarah’s partner is her best friend. They’ve been through hell and back together, and love and support each other in all that they do.

And despite how far she’s come in stepping into her own power and taking responsibility for her THOUGHTS, there’s still a deep part of Sarah that cares so much about what others think.

And it started to occur to her that her life would be A LOT easier overall if she was in a heterosexual relationship.

I asked, HOW SO?

She really didn’t have great reasons!

Her family is supportive. Everyone at work knows. And she lives in one of the most progressive cities in the country!

But I let her have that one, despite it being just a thought: “My life would be easier if I was dating a man.”

I thought the same last year when I was dating a Jewish man. Although I don’t consider myself a practicing catholic, I very much identify with my Irish Catholic upbringing, and it certainly wouldn’t have been EASY to convert for multiple reasons…

It would have broken my parents’ hearts. I would have had to do a lot of work on automatically THINKING I’m not fully accepted or fully approved of by his family. And overall, I’m just personally not a fan of ANY organized religion.

So yeah. It would have been easier.

And I can’t imagine what it would be like if I was dating a woman or a black man in this country, knowing that SO MANY PEOPLE WOULD HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT.

So yes.

I gave it to Sarah.

Overall, her life would be “a lot easier” if she was with a man.

But here’s the deal. She fell in love with a woman.

Who loves her unconditionally. Allows her room to grow. Supports her spastic ways. Gives her space when she needs it. Wants to grow old with her. And is willing to be her most raw and vulnerable self with her.

From where this heterosexual SINGLE female was standing, (or sitting!) I was starting to think it really didn’t have to be so hard for Sarah.

It was just hard for the lil people pleaser INSIDE her… not to mention the GUILT she was feeling for having such thoughts because she couldn’t possibly love her partner more.

All of this emotional overwhelm led to the big q for her life coach:

CAN YOU JUST GIVE ME PERMISSION THAT MY LIFE IS OK!?!

I had to laugh.

And them lovingly tell her NO.

We’ve worked together long enough that I knew I didn’t need to tell her, and after she got the question off her chest, I didn’t even have to prod her.

Her most grounded truth came out:

I always thought the perfect situation would be to have SECURITY.  The promise, the ring, the children, etc.  But RIGHT NOW I feel very happy…. Today is an amazing day.  I’m very happy with what my day to day looks like and life looks like RIGHT NOW.  I don’t know what’s next but I want to keep GOING FORWARD. 

I ACTUALLY feel good about having a non-traditional kind of situation.   NOT a heterosexual relationship…  And we’ll cross the next bridge when we want to— not when we should. 

I said, “Sarah. What did you just do?”

I GAVE MYSELF PERMISSION THAT MY LIFE IS OK!

BOOM.

The work WORKS, my loves. We just gotta get all the very human, mindmade garbage off our chests and ask for guidance to get to our truth.

We ALL have blindspots. We ALL get in our own way. We ALL have fears about whether or not we’re doing all the “right” things.

I couldn’t be prouder of Sarah. It was one of those “PINCH-ME-I-CAN’T-BELIEVE-THIS-IS-WHAT-I GET-TO-DO-FOR-A-LIVING” MOMENTS.  

Where are you feeling stuck? What’s holding you back from not figuring it out? Fear? Not enough time? Not enough money?

Those are just excuses, loves. No time like the present.

If you are SUPER COMMITTED TO CREATING THE CHANGE YOU CRAVE and want more than anything to be in much more self-owned, empowering place SIX MONTHS FROM NOW, MESSAGE ME FOR A FREE CONSULTATION.

HAPPY CLAIRE YOUR MIND MONDAY.

XOXO

Claire

PS This week I’m heading to CABO with my coaching tribe for a BUSINESS RETREAT. Stay tuned for lots of updates and aha’s from PARADISE with a MAGICAL group of women!

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Recovering Self-Help Addict Over Hurrrr

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In my late 20’s into my early 30’s, I found myself grasping at any and all healing modalities to “FIX” what was “wrong” with me.

I remember in one of my many moments of despair, one of my closest friends who was very much over my mind-made drama, and rightfully so, said:

“CLAIRE, WHAT IF YOU ARE PERFECT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE?”

At the time, I was definitely NOT in the space to receive her unconditional love and acceptance of the hot mess I was, and proceeded to keep searching for that missing piece that again, would FIX my broken self.

I was a devout yogi, (and taught yoga), practiced meditation daily, did reiki, attempted to see several therapists I hated, and read every self-help book under the sun, thinking THIS was the one that would SAVE MY SOUL!

But shocker, I WAS STILL MISERABLE.

Looking back, I know what my best friend was telling me was EXACTLY the thing I needed to hear…

There was no way I was going to attain authentic healing and happiness WITHOUT fully loving, forgiving, and ACCEPTING myself exactly the way I was at the time.

Looking back, I recognized that not only was I addicted to toxic relationships, but I was addicted to self-help WITHOUT ACTUALLY HELPING MYSELF.

I’m sure you see a similar pattern with people who want to lose the weight— they buy all the books, join weight watchers, talk about food, obsess over food, but don’t actually lose the weight.

All talk and no walk.

SO WHAT WAS THE MISSING PIECE THAT GOT ME WHERE I AM TODAY?

A place where I’m 100% committed to personal growth work, and currently making it my life’s work?

Several things:

1) Instead of highlighting the shite out of every self-help book and taking notes, I actually started IMPLEMENTING the tools into my life.

2) I finally found the right therapist when I moved to LA 5 years ago. Don’t say “I’ve looked but they’re all terrible.” Your person is out there, and you shouldn’t stop until you find him/her. (also I’m taking on new clients in November. Message me for a FREE CONSULTATION)

3) I started to serve others in a very organic way after the therapy was starting to really sink in. This inspired me to explore becoming a life coach for shits n’ gigs… Little did I know this work would catapult me into creating the life of my dreams.

4) I MADE A COMMITMENT to NOT berate my body anymore, NOT put myself down as a romantic partner, and FULLY OWN that I’m a life coach/actress— judge the F away on this total LA cliche, because the only way that title is changing is if I decide I want to try something else.

5) I allow myself to feel sad, anxious, mad, scared, etc. ALL THE NEGATIVE EMOTIONS WE’RE TAUGHT NOT TO FEEL FOR TOO LONG, IF AT ALL. I accept that these experiences are part of being human. THERE’S NOTHING TO FIX WHEN I’M FEELING THESE EMOTIONS. Loss hurts. Not hitting goals feels frustrating. Old limiting thought patterns will inevitably creep up, and sometimes thought work isn’t the answer when it all feels too heavy.

6) I commit to my own coaching work which entails doing thought work DAILY, and lay my shite out on the table to my coaches and coaching group. Now that I KNOW there’s nothing to fix here, I just get psyched to continue to grow and expand bc frankly, life would be boring staying exactly where I am.

What if you decided there was nothing to FIX about yourself?

What if you just believed you were amazing as you are right here, right now, and looked at doing the work as a way to EXPAND vs. FIX?

What if you made a commitment to NOT put up with anymore bullshit your brain is telling you as a way to keep you safe and small and comfortable in your discomfort of thinking you’re not worthy of an amazing partner, or a thriving business??

You don’t have to go crazy and grasp at all the straws outside of yourself the way I did…

But perhaps you get EXCITED about having a life where you wake up on a daily basis and feel psyched about being in the skin you’re in?

Start from there. Implement the tools. And decide if it’s a therapist or a coach that would be the right fit for you.

Not sure what the difference is? Message me for a FREE CONSULTATION and I’ll explain. I will NOT take you on as a client if I think therapy is a better fit for you. So what’ the harm in finding out??

I’d say none if at the very least you come to the same cathartic realization that you are perfect just the way you are…

right here, right now.

HAPPY CLAIRE YOUR MIND MONDAY, MY LOVES.

XOXO

Claire

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Why Personal Growth SUCKS

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And I call myself a life coach?! Stay with me here…

There’s a running theme occurring with my clients who aren’t all necessarily going through heartbreak…

SOME ARE ACTUALLY GETTING WHAT THEY’VE WANTED!!!

One just DTR’d (defined the relationship— had to think about that one myself when she texted it me!) with the guy she’s seeing.

Another just had an EPIC birthday weekend getaway with her closest friends who live out of state and all made her 30th an amazing one.

And a third, finally got the opportunity to relocate to another state with her family, after wishing and hoping for it for SO. LONG.

Yet—they all admitted—their thoughts were NOT ALL excited ones. Actually, they were freaking out more than doing backflips.

Before you go into judgment and think, WHAT’S WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!, I invite you to pause and recall a time when you finally achieved something you’ve been working towards that you felt was out of reach, but chose to panic vs celebrate.

My client who DTR’d initially came to me because she was healing from a narcissistic abusive relationship— my WHEELHOUSE— so when someone new and fabulous comes along, her brain wants to prepare for the other shoe to drop. (HELLO, I’ve DEFINITELY been there!)

My client who was a QUEEN on her 30th had been doing a TON of emotional healing work after years of living with a chronic illness. She’s also wrapping up several trainings in functional medicine, yoga teacher training, and becoming a health coach, so after just turning 30, is wondering what the hell it’s all gonna look like after stepping away from the corporate world while doing all she can to live her best life, all the while managing inevitable physical flare-ups.

And despite some initial excitement, my client who’s finally moving closer to family, the big change involves spending a lot of money relocating, time selling her home and finding a new one, while also working a full-time job, raising a three-year-old, finding her a new school, and committing to her personal training certification.

I certainly relate to this fear and anxiety that comes with the GOOD, thanks to the recent rapid growth in my business that I’ve been wanting to create for over 2.5 years, while continuing to audition, stay on top of personal coaching with my coaches, and also being available for my 15 clients…and DATES— because I ACTUALLY MISSED DATING after taking a break while focusing on building Claire Your Mind.

But here’s the thing…

I would RATHER have anxiety attacks, a few sleepless nights, and have stress manifest in my neck in shoulders thanks to PANICKY THOUGHTS IN THIS NEW ELEVATED SPACE, than continue to sit in the comfort of my discomfort of staying small.

Being that I do what I do, I HAPPEN TO KNOW THAT THIS KIND OF DISCOMFORT IS PAR FOR THE COURSE, and in fact IS THE SUCKY PART ABOUT PERSONAL GROWTH.

Our brains are NOT comfortable when we break through the blocks that hold us back from thriving…

The signal of CHANGE — even a POSITIVE one— makes us feel like something isn’t right because we are habitual beings, NATURALLY COMFORTABLE IN THE DISCOMFORT of attracting shitty men, being a slave to chronic illnesses, or feeling like we’ll be “trapped” in places we don’t want to be.

So what it comes down to is, IS THE DISCOMFORT FROM THE MIND SPIRALING and PANICKING, WORTH GETTING TO WHERE YOU WANT TO GO?

Some people don’t think it is because it would mean ACTUALLY leaving the spouse who treats them poorly and they’d feel too guilty about the effect it would have on their kids.

Or it isn’t worth saying no to the extra slice of pizza because the emotion they’d feel by NOT satisfying the craving is more painful than carrying the extra weight on their bodies.

Or cutting off complete contact with an ex would mean truly not knowing what they’re up to and ACTUALLY moving on vs. holding on.

All totally understandable reasons to stay in the comfort of your discomfort.

Of course I would encourage you to strive to tap into being your most healthy and authentic self, even if it entails hurting your loved ones and/or feeling all the painful and scary feels, but all I’d like to offer you today is WHY NOT GET CLAIRE EITHER WAY? (no I’ll never stop with the dorky puns)

Because if you’re that girl who says, I know I need to do X but now isn’t the time or I don’t have the money, know that your mind can justify those excuses to the very end.

CHANGE ALWAYS COMES FROM WITHIN.

When I shifted my thoughts about my worth as a female entrepreneur, THAT’S when the high-paying clients came.

When I worked tirelessly on my worth as a romantic partner, THAT’S when I started attracting lovely guys who treat me the way I know I deserve to be treated.

And hell, I’m probably the least fit I’ve been in a long time, but I can honestly say I haven’t felt more beautiful because I’m so proud of the PERSON I see when I look in the mirror… It makes me teary to type this truth after so many years of berating my body, thinking that “ONE DAY, I’ll get it perfect so that I can book the right job and find the right guy.”

What’s the thing you want to change and heal most about yourself? Or that one goal you’ve been thinking about as just a pipe dream??

If you AGREE that committing to retraining your brain is the gateway towards making that happen, KNOWING this will cause your brain to FREAK OUT and therefore cause your body to go into FEAR AND PANIC, is it WORTH all that to get to where you want to go???

I for SURE can say it’s been TOTALLY been worth it for me, and I’ll go out on a limb and say it’s TOTALLY been worth it for my clients too…

After all, if it sucks to stay stuck in your shite AND it sucks to grow in order to get where you want to go, WHY NOT CHOOSE THE ONE THAT HAS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL?

BUT if the pain ISN’T worth the gain, instead of berating and judging yourself for NOT taking the leap, find compassionate THOUGHTS that will allow you to make peace, and LOVE where you’re at NO MATTER WHAT.

Self-blame and shame is for the BIRDS, my loves.

What decision can you get CLAIRE on and make peace with?

IF you decide you DO want to grow, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION and get on my waitlist to work with me when my doors reopen for more one on one coaching!

HAPPY CLAIRE YOUR MIND MONDAY!

XOXO

Claire

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Another Thing I Need to Fix About Myself

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I’ve been working with a kick-ass client for the last 6 months who is only—wait for it—

NINETEEN.

She’s extra near and dear to my heart because she’s getting her BFA to become a professional ACTRESS.

Although I never pursued a BFA, I understand that such programs are grueling on a physical, emotional, and mental level.

(yes, these are my THOUGHTS on what I’ve heard about BFA programs)

“Hannah” came to me initially because she was having trouble staying on top of it all, but made it clear that she WANTED to excel, so I was excited to take her on.

Throughout our time together, she has grown into a mature, authentic, vulnerable, articulate, and self-aware young woman. She’s open to playing with every tool I have to offer, but has a mind of her own to say when something isn’t working for her.

She’s gracious, FUN, and so enthusiastic about tapping into being her best self in ALL areas of her life…

So essentially, a DREAM CLIENT!

I’ve expressed to Hannah several times how proud I am of her and how I think she’s moved mountains in this growth work, and when I do, I get a little emotional!!

I see so much of MY 19-year-old self in her, and I get SO FREAKIN’ EXCITED about what her life will be like, being that she’s learning and applying these life-changing tools at such a young age both in school and in her personal life RIGHT NOW.

But like most of us, it’s much easier for Hannah to focus on the things she needs to “fix” over all of her wins.

I’m noticing this about myself after some major growth in my business over a short period of time.

I worry that I’ve bitten off more than I can chew, or am getting “too confident” that clients will continue to effortlessly flock to me the way they have over the last few months, EVEN THOUGH I’ve closed up shop for the time being as I acclimate to managing 15 clients while wrapping up another job, continuing to audition, up my self-care game, maintain a pretty fab social life, and get back into dating again.

Which THEN makes me think, “Oh no, now that I’m dating again, I’ll lose my focus and momentum and everything I’ve worked so hard for will all go to shit!”

SUCH FUN THOUGHTS, RIGHT?

Instead of focusing on the fact that thanks to the growth in my business, I’m traveling to two countries next month, and have two more awesome trips planned for 2019, (not to mention some pretty amazeballs, boss-babe, hair extensions I treated myself to) MY BRAIN IS MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE WORRYING ABOUT PUTTING FIRES OUT THAT AREN’T CURRENTLY HAPPENING!

And when Hannah was given some constructive feedback from her professor who first and foremost told her that her TALENT is there, she went into panic about what she needed to “FIX.”

So before I plugged her thoughts into one of the most brilliant but simple tools that I use on myself and ALL my clients, I paused to say, “Hannah, first of all, do you understand how far you’ve come?”

This is where I want to be cautious of NOT being the coach who blows smoke up my clients asses just for the sake of making them “feel good,” because most of my work is about pushing them through lots of discomfort in order to get them to where they want to go…

Because let’s face it— if your life coach is constantly telling you how great you are, you’re NEVER GOING TO GROW.

But I also recognized that Hannah NOT fully CELEBRATING and OWNING all that she has accomplished during our time together, was making her feel like there’s SOMETHING WRONG WITH HER.

Her response was rushed with a “yeah, yeah, yeah, but there’s still so much I need to work on. My brain wants to focus on the negative.”

Well the good news is, SHE’S NOT CRAZY and NEITHER ARE YOU if you relate to this.

When I slowed her down to tell me what she thinks she’s achieved during our time together, I again got teary!

“I’m much more self-aware. I don’t suppress my anxiety. I’m willing to feel my uncomfortable feelings, and even though my school work isn’t perfect and I still struggle with that a bit, I’ve gotten much better at it.”

WHOA.

19, people.

Nine…

teen.

My next q was: DO YOU THINK YOUR PROFESSORS SEE THE HANNAH YOU ARE ON THE PHONE WITH ME, IN THE CLASSES YOU’RE IN WITH THEM?

“No. With you I feel so excited and motivated and confident on our calls, but then I’ll go to class and feel intimidated… like everything I say and do is the wrong thing and then I beat myself up, wishing I said NOTHING instead of saying something that I THINK they want to hear.”

Did I mention that this girl is only 19?!?

I’m BLOWN AWAY by her self-awareness and ability to articulate exactly what she “thinks” is wrong because the irony here is that THIS IS SUCH A WIN THAT SHE’S NOT ALLOWING HERSELF TO SEE!

Hannah, what if you looked at this constructive feedback as another awesome challenge to overcome the way you’ve done it so beautifully over the last 6 months with everything else?

Instead of THINKINGthere’s so much more I need to fix about myself,” why not CHOOSE TO THINK:

WOW— my professor thinks I’m talented!! He wants to best prepare me for the real world as a professional actress by giving me something else to work on, which I’m TOTALLY CAPABLE of because I already have evidence of being able to do the uncomfortable work!”

I reminded her that her professor is just human like her and I, and it sounds like he really is invested in guiding her to be her best self, like I am as her coach.

WHAT IF THE THOUGHTS YOU THINK ABOUT WORKING WITH ME THAT MAKE YOU FEEL CONFIDENT, INSPIRED, and EXCITED could also be applied to your professors who you’re currently ALLOWING to make you feel intimidated??

And when you’re back in class and getting in your head about how you “should” be, just come into the body again. Get out of your professor’s head and what HE is thinking about you, and come back to YOU.

Show him that not only are you the talented actress he recognizes, but that you’re also the hard-working, enthusiastic, prepared actress because you’re DOING the work.

When you are so psyched and solid about your work, who you are, and what you bring to the table in ALL areas of your life, you’re not worried about what others think.

I think about this as an actor myself, and as a coach, and as someone who’s now dating again.

If I’M so psyched about what I’ve prepared for my audition, or genuinely LOVE what I offer my clients, or am fully self-owned in who I am as a potential romantic partner, while always allowing room for growth, I won’t be worried about what the casting director, my clients, or the guy I’m on a date with thinks about me.

The chips are going to fall where they may— all I can do is rest my head on the pillow knowing I’m doing my best…

Nothing to fix here.

Just excitement about continuing to grow and learn until the day I die, and embracing all the discomfort that will INEVITABLY COME ALONG WITH IT.

Personally, I wouldn’t want it any other way, and I can’t wait to see what unfolds next for Hannah with this new “there’s-nothing-to-fix mindset!”

HAPPY CLAIRE YOUR MIND MONDAY.

Get on my waitlist to work with me, here.

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My Boyfriend's Other Girlfriend

My Boyfriend's Other Girlfriend

When you are in AUTHENTIC alignment with your TRUTH, and have DONE THE WORK to heal the kind of very low self esteem that allowed she and I to attract the kind of man who gets a sick high out of destroying women, THE MOST INCREDIBLE AND UNEXPECTED GIFTS WILL PRESENT THEMSELVES.

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