There's NEVER a great time to experience heartbreak, but the holidays can amplify this kind of pain a magillion-fold.
Perhaps this will be the first Christmas without a family member or the first New Year's without a significant other in a really long time...
Or maybe you've been single one too many times around this time of year and you're Just. Friggin.' OVER IT.
I mean I PERSONALLY don't know anyone thinking about that latter thought but I hear that's a common thought amongst those without partners over the holidays...;)
So how do we work through this kind of frustration with your current reality?
I'm gonna steal yet another magical gem from my favorite, Byron Katie:
"When I argue with What Is, I lose, but only 100% of the time."
There are certain things we have ZERO CONTROL of. Fighting with WHAT IS is what's causing us suffering. Not the broken relationship or your single status.
The guy leaving you is just a circumstance. Your THOUGHTS about him leaving you are what cause your suffering. Your wanting to FIGHT the reality of the situation is causing you suffering.
For example, your mother might see your break-up in a completely different light and THINK, "Thank God he broke up with her--he was the worst" It's her thought about the same circumstance, while your thought might be, "I WANT HIM TO COME BACK!"
You'll notice over time, that eventually as you do the work to heal or perhaps meet someone new, your thoughts about him leaving you will most likely change.
BUT BEFORE WE ATTEMPT TO SHIFT OUR THINKING SURROUNDING ANY PAINFUL SITUATION, WE MUST ALLOW OURSELVES TO FALL APART.
My coach, Brooke Castillo, says life is 50% negative and 50% positive. We are all inevitably going to experience pain as human beings, despite our desperate attempts to avoid it.
So losing a family member or having your husband leave you, is ABSOLUTELY something you should consciously grieve.
Fall apart. Cry it out. Punch pillows. Burn the pictures and letters. Sell the ring.
WHATEVER is going to make you get the anger and pain out in a SAFE way-- do it! Move through it and DON'T PRETEND IT'S NOT THERE.
This is how disease manifests in the body. Our bodies will trap the trauma if we don't address what's physically hurting our hearts.
So perhaps you CHOOSE to feel pain this particular holiday. I am FULLY SUPPORTIVE of that, as long as it's a CONSCIOUS CHOICE.
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION TO BE SAD. The more you allow yourself to consciously lean into the loss and discomfort, the quicker it will pass. Have compassion and be so so kind to yourself.
But for those of you who are ready to ENJOY YOUR REALITY, we move to the BETTER FEELING THOUGHT-WORK.
Two thoughts I want to break down that I've been recently hearing a lot are:
"I wish my ex was with me for the holidays" And...
"I hate being single during the holidays!"
Remember: When you argue with reality, you suffer. But only 100% of the time.
Let's see how we can turn around the first thought. What would it look like if the opposite of what you were thinking was true? Remember-- it's not the the absence of the ex that's causing you pain. It's the thoughts about the absence of your ex that's causing you pain.
I DON'T want to be with my ex this holiday season.
Three examples of how this statement could be true, if not truer:
1) he wasn't THAT GREAT. We actually fought a lot over the holidays last year!
2) I actually didn't enjoy his friends and didn't feel he made much of an effort with my friends, so holiday celebrations with him actually gave me anxiety.
3) I'd rather be alone and focus on loving myself unconditionally, than be with someone who I wasn't my best self with.
I hate being single over the holidays.
Opposite of that would be:
I LOVE being single during the holidays.
How could this thought be more true? I'll use my own pieces of evidence to support this as my truth.
1) My own social obligations are plenty for this extroverted introvert, so not juggling someone else's is lovely.
2) Outside of socializing, I love my own company! It's taken me years to be truly happy and proud of who I am. I can honestly say I enjoy my time alone instead of wasting it with the wrong guy.
3) My time alone enforces me to keep self-love at the top of my daily to-do list. Meditating, journaling, yoga, & eating healthy, are just as imperative as showering and brushing my teeth. This doesn't mean I should stop these acts of self-care when I'm in a relationship, but my default is to put a lot of time and care into my partner, so I might as well milk all the self-love, solo!
These two turn-arounds are just a tiny step from Byron Katie's tool, "The Work" which you can dive deeper into at www.thework.com, or CALL MOI and for a session on whatever painful thoughts you're latching on to and are struggling to diffuse...
Remember, THOUGHTS AREN'T FACTS. But our thoughts ABOUT facts dictate how we FEEL.
If I choose to think being single around the holidays is painful, then I suffer. It's a CHOICE to shift my perspective and surrender to what my reality is right NOW.
Love the journey, my loves. It's all we got. The more joy you cultivate with What Is along the way, I truly believe something or someone beyond your wildest dreams appears.
Do the work and keep the faith.
Happy Holidays annnnd....Claire Your Mind Monday.