Cue All the Single Ladies!
I was totally inspired by a client who reached out this past week, after NOT hearing from a lovely "gentleman" she had a first date with five days prior...
We've all been there, right? (if not, God feckin' bless ya)
You were CONVINCED you guys hit it off. You got each other's weird humor off the bat, finished each other's sentences, bonded over how you BOTH feel the Trader Joe's checkout guys ask way too many invasive q's for such a short interaction.
(Sorry. Is the latter just what I'm looking for?!)
And that's what happened to "Sarah."
She was psyched for date number two, which BTDubbs, he SAID he would LOVE to do!
CUE the thought-spiral down the rabbit hole.
WTF. Why hasn't he called? Did I miss something? Did he find someone better? I want to tell him, "never mind, I'm not that interested," just so HE doesn't reject ME. Truth be told, I actually WASN'T that sold on him... I was just looking forward to getting to know him better on the second date! Now I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me, as I go over the other dudes who haven't been interested in the past...
I wrote back to the long, very eloquently written email which to her credit, included her awareness of being trapped in her STORY of negative thoughts, and I took all the shite out of it...(aka SHUT DOWN THE SPIRAL) and offered
A gem that my coach's coach, Frank Kern, offers his clients.
I told Sarah to
KEEP. IT. SIMPLE.
It sounds like all you really want is a second date. That is the RESULT you are going for.
But the THOUGHTS that are making you FEEL like shite, are holding you back from taking clear ACTION to get the RESULT that you want.
This is based off of MY coach, Brook Castillo's self-coaching thought model that is tried and tested and life-coach approved for any scenario you could be struggling with.
A CIRCUMSTANCE occurs : Haven't heard from him since our last date where he said he'd really love to do it again.
We then have THOUGHTS about the circumstance: he lost interest. He found someone better. He said we'd go out again but I never heard from him-- WHAT. A. DICK.
(I'm exaggerating for dramatic affect, but again, can't we all relate here?!)
Those negative thoughts naturally drive negative FEELINGS of shame, rejection, abandonment, disappointment and just overall feeling BUMMED...
Which then inspire an ACTION to spiral and be in his business and create a negative story we don't really know is true.
And the RESULT is: NO SECOND DATE.
So I present her with a NEW INTENTIONAL THOUGHT MODEL.
The CIRCUMSTANCE ALWAYS STAYS THE SAME: Haven't heard from him even though he said he'd like to get together again. It's the THOUGHTS, FEELINGS, and ACTIONS that need to change in order to yield the RESULT you want.
I reminded her that the RESULT she wants to achieve is a SECOND DATE-- NOT FOR HIM TO BE HER BOYFRIEND EVEN THOUGH THAT IS WHAT SHE'S LOOKING FOR. She knows it's too early to know if she wants that yet, so again KEEP IT SIMPLE by plugging into the ACTION step:
What? Why I should I ask him? He should ask me! I'm a traditionalist when it comes to dating-- at least the first few dates. Let the man HUNT-- isn't that what they like??? The THRILL of the chase?!
Do you know what THIS coach thinks about dating games and power plays and waiting for him to make the next move in order for you to proceed forward?
Fug Dat Shit...
All the thoughts of what he SHOULD be doing, and the fearful thoughts about--God forbid-- him NOT wanting to deliver on his word about a second date is
So make it mathematical. If Sarah wants date number two, then she needs to ASK him.
And if all her THOUGHTS about asking him are making her FEEL like shite, then she needs to figure out better-feeling thoughts like,
"I'm awesome. If he changed his mind, that would be a bummer, but MOST importantly, I LOVE me! I have a lot to offer someone, so asking up front if he'd like to do it again is a great way for me to continue to be the confident, self-owned woman that I am. And the sooner I know if a second date is happening or not, the faster I can get back to searching for Mr Right vs giving all my energy to Mr. Wrong.
And when her whole perspective shifted on the situation, guess what happened?
Mr. First Date reached out for a second, without her needing to ask!
Sometimes when you show up, move through the discomfort of your limited beliefs and are willing to try a different way...the Universe takes care of the result you want for you.
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday, loves.
Email firstname.lastname@example.org to take your self-coaching journey to the NEXT LEVEL avec MOI!