The title of my future Memoir...
HELLLLL NOOOOOO will that be my title, but it's catchy, no?
As usual, I digress--right from the top!
Ok. For those of you who aren't familiar with the Bumble dating app, the woman has to respond FIRST within 24 hrs of matching before the match expires.
HOWEVER, the GUY can EXTEND the match, allowing more time for the woman to connect with him. This is his way of saying, "I'm legitimately interested and not just lazily swiping right for shits and gigs."
And that's what Jason did to me. (no, I'm not protecting the innocent by changing his name. In fact, what he doesn't know is that I'm AKA Claire Byrne Lady Detective and I know his LAST name too. But again, I digress)
We matched, and I thought "Meh," but then he EXTENDED the match.
And Heather, (the Gayle to my Oprah who overlooks all of my prospects) said,
"HE'S CUTE! Reach out!"
Cut to meeting for a quick drink on a Friday night as he had "dinner plans" after, and I gotta say, I was pleasantly surprised.
He walked in wearing a hot black leather jacket, Danny-Zuko-style, and was down to earth, funny, humble, and kind.
The bartender asked if we'd like a second drink but I was conscious of his dinner afterwards. However, JASON (who's last name begins with V) said, "I'm just gonna go to dinner late. If I get there by 8, I'll be fine."
Well 8:05 rolls around as we finish our second drink, and Ms. I-Pride-Myself-On-My-Intuition felt confident enough to say, "I'd love to do this again."
He emphatically responded with, "I would LOVE to do this again."
A quick lovely smooch ensued and as I got into my Uber, his final words were the KICKER:
"I REALLY DON'T WANNA LEAVE!"
Two days later, HE UNMATCHED ME.
Cue The Bachelor's dramatic, "I-can't-give-you-this-rose" music.
Sometimes when I share a personal experience in my blogs, a friend or a client will say, "Did that really happen or were you just exaggerating to make it entertaining?"
Sure I add a little dramatic flare here and there for fun, but I NEVER change the facts.
THOSE WERE HIS EXACT. FINAL. WORDS, MY LOVES!
And here's another FACT: I was bummed...
For like, ten minutes.
My stomach instinctively responded to the AUTOMATIC thought of being "rejected."
I tried to wrap my brain around what I missed.
Did I MAKE UP that he didn't want to leave? Did he feel like he HAD to kiss me? It was HIM that said he wanted to have a second drink, not me... RIGHT?!
And then...you guessed it-- this self-help nerd did what she does best.
PLUGGED her SHITTY THOUGHT INTO Byron Katie's THE WORK tool.
I TURNED AROUND the negative thought, "Jason rejected me" to
"I rejected Jason."
Katie asks us to find at least three pieces of evidence to support how the OPPOSITE of the automatic negative thought you're thinking could be true:
1) I had called Gayle (I mean Heather) in that Uber ride home and said, I think me being a life coach freaked him out. His face looked like I was telling him, "I just gave birth to a baby goat last week." But when I acknowledged his perplexed look, he insisted he just "makes weird faces when he's listening"....mmkay
2) When he mentioned his past relationships, he admitted he'd rather pull back and wait for her to figure out he's no longer interested. When I asked why he wouldn't just tell her directly, he said "Do you know how hard it is to see someone cry because of YOU?" I said, "Do you know how much harder it is for her to be with you, not knowing you don't want to be with her?"
3) He volunteered that he doesn't and would NEVER need a life coach.
Ummmm in my humble opinion, Sir...
SPINELESS MAN-CHILDREN DO NEED LIFE COACHES. :)
Sure, it's fun to name-call and feel "higher than thou," for a minute, but I KNOW my own coach, Brooke Castillo, would ask me what the painful reaction (albeit a short one) was really about...
because she and I both know my stomach dropping had nothing to do with a man I knew for two hours, and everything to do WITH ME.
What it's really about is MY DEEP FEAR OF NEVER FINDING MY PERSON.
*****And I get to continue to work on and heal THAT, verses focusing on his inability to tell me the truth*****
Yes. Life coaches have fears too, my loves.
But I'm proud to say I face the music with them as they come.
I LOVE that I'm a life coach. I LOVE that my lifelong passion for acting continues to be in my life. And if someone's not pickin' up what I'm throwin' down, I'd rather know after two hours, than two dates, two months, or two years.
Furthermore, I'm not going to carry this story amidst many other brain-teaser encounters into future dates, because HE and everyone else I've dated in the PAST don't have the ability to make my PRESENT dating-process "suck" or "hard."
I get to decide whether it sucks or not, and if I'm going to continue to date, I'd rather choose thoughts that make me FEEL excited, confident, and hopeful.
Mr. V taught me to continue to fully embrace who I am. Admittedly, I tend to cringe when I tell a non-industry person-- especially a first date-- what I do, as I understand the stereotype of the airy-fairy "actress/lifecoach/yogi" living in LA.
But my deepest truest self knows that MY guy is going to love me for being ALL those things, because what I do for a living, just so happens to bleed into how I operate in ALL areas of my LIFE.
Keep showing up with your fears and rewriting a new story, loves. It's the most FREEING way to be.
If you "think" it's too hard or you don't have time to do this internal work, then understand you're CHOOSING to live in your negative mindset, most likely yielding negative results.
As you can see, I'm a continued work-in-progress-- there's no "cure" from doing this work, as new people, events, and other external circumstances will continue to challenge us until the end.
So in the same way you maintain your physical strength by regularly going to the gym, it's vital to continuously train your brain to rework thoughts that SERVE YOU that will ultimately yield incredible external results.
How do I know this is true without Mr. Right in my life?
Because I'm genuinely HAPPY and LOVING life RIGHT NOW.
No external factor gets to dictate that.
I love how I live, where I live, what I do, and the people in it. And I'm SO excited for what's around the corner as I do the work to STAY in this space on a DAILY basis.
What are YOUR fears? Do you pretend they're not there? Do you avoid putting yourself in a position to face them? Ie, like NOT DATING AT ALL?
Chances are, your fears are stemmed from mind-made bullshit based on PAST experiences that CURRENTLY DON'T SERVE YOU...
and there's a whole new empowering truth that's waiting for you to live it out.
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday.
PS Enjoy a humbling lil commercial I did nine years ago for Chemistry.com...AHHH GOTTA LOVE ART IMITATING LIFE
PPS READY TO FACE SOME SHITE YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING?? Email me for your FIRST FREE MINI SESSION at firstname.lastname@example.org