He Said: Forgive Me For Asking This Question...

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Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE SMALL TALK.

An ex once asked, “If you hate small talk so much, why did you become a life coach?”

Ummmmm, it’s EXACTLY why I became a life coach. 

I much prefer BIG TALK vs. small talk.

 I WANNA GET DEEP.  I don’t want to talk about the weather or traffic. 

I want to know what eats you up inside.  I want to know what makes your heart soar.  I want to know what you’re DYING to do in this lifetime, and how you’re gonna go about doing it.

So, you can only imagine how much FUN I have when I take an Uber ride.

To put it mildly, it’s my worst nightmare. 

When I returned from Cabo, my driver wanted to argue with me about the name of my hood, West LA.  Most people in LA don’t know that there’s an actual little area between Beverly Hills and Santa Monica that is referred to as West LA. 

 He literally GUFFAWED at me, and tried telling me about the lay of the land I’d been living in for the last 5 years. 

He then conveniently let me know that he’s struggling to pay for better upholstery for the interior of his car as I was scrambling to get out as quickly as possible, upon arrival.   

Then you’ve got my all-time favorite interactions at Trader Joe’s.  I swear to God they have GOT to offer their check-out employees better conversation-starter topics. 

Look, I’m ALL ABOUT BEING POLITE AND GENUINELY APPRECIATIVE TO ANYONE WHO IS IN A SERVICE POSITION, (or anyone period!) but I don’t feel like telling you “what I’m up to for the rest of the day.” 

You seriously want me to rattle off that I’m heading to a gyno appointment, then spending a solid 2 hours looking for “the one” on Bumble after my gyno yet again reminds me that I should have started trying to conceive yesterday, and after that?  Probs drown my sorrows in the bottle of Two Buck Chuck you thankfully, so carefully packed. 

HOW ABOUT YOU, JOE?!  What are YOU up to after work?

So as usual, I braced myself for an invasive conversation when I hopped into a cab to LAX, heading for Ireland last week.

It was going to be a long 45 minute ride, thanks to rush hour traffic.

My inner monologue prayed: Please God don’t talk about the traffic… PLEASE GOD!

WELL WELL WELL.

Jason TOTALLY pleasantly surprised me.

I don’t know what it was, but we got into a lovely, ORGANIC chat, which led him to asking what I did for a living, prefaced with:  I HOPE YOU DON’T MIND ME ASKING…

Jason’s mama raised him with some MANNERS!

I explained that I’m a heartbreak coach, which inspired more questions that were intelligent and genuine.

(Trust me: I know the difference between skepticism and judgment, vs open mindedness and polite curiosity) 

Jason wanted to know what led me on this path.  I shared MY HEARTBREAK STORY with him, and his immediate response was:

I’m so sorry that happened to you. 

PLEASE DON’T BE!   

I explained that I attracted that guy because of my very low self-esteem at the time, which was an invitation to wake up and take a good, long, hard look in the mirror and get real about how poorly I’d been treating myself for so many years.

The bottom line was, if my self-esteem was high, I NEVER WOULD HAVE TOLERATED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Lovely Jason offered yet another polite preface before asking a question that most Trader Joe’s employees and Uber drivers I’ve met apparently were not taught to do, with:

“Forgive me for asking this and you don’t have to answer and I don’t wanna sound…”

Jason. We’re practically besties.  Whatchyou wanna know?

Well I hear this a lot…Attractive women like you, talking about having low self-esteem and I hope it doesn’t sound ignorant, but I don’t understand how someone like you would have low self esteem…

I wasn’t offended at all, and I thought it was a great question.

Forgive the not-so-humble brag by sharing his flattering observation, but I totally understood what he meant, as I have the most beautiful clients and girlfriends on the inside and out, WHO DON’T THINK THEY ARE WORTH THE GREAT SALARY, GUY, or JOB.     

They’d do ANYTHING for their friends, family, and emotionally unavailable partners, and put more effort into cheering them on from the sidelines…

But they find themselves hurt because those loved ones might not necessarily do the same for them in return.  Or they’re exhausted from giving, giving, giving, or financially spent because they’d never say no to an expensive birthday getaway, or a wedding that they realistically can’t afford.    

There are SO many reasons why I had low self-esteem that were never properly addressed for too long.  (But of course, I believe timing is everything so no regrets on when I embarked on this healing journey) 

As a kid, despite having a family who was ALWAYS there for me, I still felt “not enough” in my social life, even though my childhood friends are still some of my closest.

It wasn’t a reflection on them.  It was a reflection of my THOUGHTS ABOUT MYSELF and the values that seemed to be so important in the culture of my hoighty-toighty hometown. 

Being skinny, pretty, and rich were basic requirements to feel accepted, where I grew up. 

Looking back, I recognize I had a very privileged childhood, but at the time, compared to my friends, I was the taller, more awkward, less rich, and less pretty one throughout middle school into high school. 

Then I picked the most soul-sucking career an insecure girl in her early 20’s could pick— 

FECKIN’. ACTING.

Acting is still my first love, but alllll the mistakes I made and missed opportunities I messed up because I had my low self-esteemed-head up me arse, allowed for that lack of self-worth to continue to play out.

Sure, I’ve had some great experiences acting over the years and continue to appreciate the auditions I get today, (thankfully with a lot more skill and confidence) but again, I found myself cheering my more successful friends on, accepting that them being the stars was always going to be “the way it is.”   

And I didn’t have this acute sense of self-awareness until I hit rock bottom in my love-life.

The pain was unbearable and my strong conviction as the victim bled into every other area of my life, which broke friendships, (some irreparable) and again, destroyed a lot of incredible audition opportunities I was fortunate to have during my years in NYC.

The universe served me someone on a silver platter to reflect back the poor treatment I’d been giving myself for years prior, based on false beliefs that disguised what true worthiness really meant to me at my core. 

I’m actually glad it happened because without that experience, I wouldn’t be doing what I do NOW.

Does this make sense, Jase?

He said it totally did. And then proceeded to tell me about his biggest heartbreak that happened not too long ago…

He wasn’t interested in opening his heart again any time soon, but of course I gave him unsolicited coaching advice and told him that the more we’re willing to let our hearts break by staying open and being our most authentic and vulnerable selves, the greater the chance of finding our person.

Then.

Wait for it.

I asked for a hug at the end.

Yep. Ms Anti-Making-Friends-With-Strangers hugged it out with her Uber driver, and it was the greatest kick-off to the most EPIC week I had with my family and friends in Dublin!

Where do you feel most insecure in your life? Is it one area or several areas?

Although I offered a therapy angle to Jason by connecting the dots from my past, as a life coach, my approach is to focus on the PRESENT and start cleaning up what’s not working, right here, RIGHT NOW, in order to create an incredible FUTURE.

If you’re intrigued to finish off 2018 with a bang, and kick off 2019 with a CONCRETE approach and PLAN TO LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE, contact me for a FREE CONSULTATION!

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