My best friend Heather and I often use this codependent gem when we part ways, out of fear of sitting alone with our own pain or personal stresses. As sad as it sounds, it’s really our twisted sense of humor that gives us a good chuckle at our own expense, and for me, a strong sense of comfort that I have someone in this isolating City of Angels to call my ROCK.
That said, I'm acutely aware when I find myself leaning on loved ones to make me feel better instead of going back to my big-ass toolbox and do the real work-- the HARDER work on myself.
Don't get me wrong--I pride myself on the harem of incredible sister-friends I refer to as my tribe-- they bring so much joy, knowledge, creativity, authenticity and support into my life, and I don't know where I'd be without them.
But when I find myself griping over the same issue or a new circumstance reaffirms an old pattern playing out, I recognize that the best person to get to the bottom of all the shite, is ME.
So, what does this "work" I speak of, look like?
I think a big misconception in the self-help world is that doing the work requires you to "fix" yourself with all kinds of big action steps that are too daunting to look at, so it's easier to stay in the comfort of the discomfort of doing nothing about it.
Most clients don't sign up for Claire Your Mind when everything is peachy. They sign up because they're stuck, dissatisfied, trapped, sad, lost, unfulfilled, blocked, angry, etc.
And 9 out of 10 times they believe something is "wrong" with them. I know he's a narcissist but what does it say about me that I can't get over him? I want to lose weight but I keep reaching for the damn pizza! I have the life I dreamed of but I'm NOT enjoying it.
My response is always the same:
This isn't about the guy, the pizza, or the dream life you thought you wanted. It's about YOU. There is something that's lacking within yourself-- the stuff you're reaching for and fixating on is a way to temporarily avoid the root of the issue.
So the the first thing I suggest is GETTING QUIET WITH YOURSELF. Silence your phone. Turn off the TV. Shut down your computer. Put your credit cards away.
Some of you might be thinking, "Yeah. And….???"
Don't belittle it til you've tried it!!!
This stuff ain't easy! When I was first introduced to meditating almost ten years ago and began to slow down my monkey mind by turning my attention inward, all kinds of uncomfortable bodily sensations and an ocean of tears made their way to the surface, along with shame and sadness for how mean I had been to myself for so long.
The pain was at times unbearable and the fear of the permanence of these overwhelming emotions being brought to the surface was terrifying.
I know-- I'm making this a very appealing first step on your life-coaching journey;)
But I'm living proof that walking through what Martha Beck refers to as the RING OF FIRE, is the KEY to accessing your deepest, truest self where the peaceful stargazer lives.
This is where powerful shifts begin to unfold. The wrong people fall to the wayside. The right people "magically" appear. Opportunities present themselves that convince you you're a powerful sorcerer!
I firmly believe that when I began to take a closer look at how I numb out on food and alcohol earlier this year, reacquainting myself with a sober and much less social Claire, I uncovered a big subconscious fear of being alone…something that myself and most people who know me would never guess would be the case.
But the irony is that as I got comfortable staying in most nights, befriending the fear over Arbonne protein smoothies and candlelight, my coaching client list DOUBLED and the emotionally available guy ended up on the mat to my right in a crowded yoga class...
A coincidence? I think noottttt.
What would it look like to get to know you better than others know you?
To slow the F down and just BEGIN to look at the possibility of separating yourself from the story you've CREATED about being powerless or unworthy or not good enough?
Could you right here right now CLOSE YOUR EYES, find your feet on the ground, and take three slow deep breaths in and out through your nose?
Is there resistance? Discomfort? A surprising sense of peace?
What is it that you don't want to see, feel, or acknowledge about you or a situation in your life?
Something tells me your heart will continue to beat, your lungs will continue to breathe, and maybe…juuuuust maybe…a little more peace, abundance and clarity will arise, when you "do the work" of simply being alone with your thoughts.
I dare you to try...
And then tell me about the magic that unfolds!
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday
Taking on THREE MORE CLIENTS. Contact me for deets!