As some of you know, I was a little late to the 2017 party, but I eventually made it fashionably late and got clear about how I wanted the new year to go. This year, I decided to put all of my energy and focus into acting and life coaching. I took myself off the dating apps and spent more time working on Claire Your Mind blogs, getting new headshots, meditating daily, and upping my exercise game to a much more challenging level.
As a result, I gained more clients and felt very calm, clear, and in the flow. I was trusting the outcomes and even the lack of outcomes from my efforts in both areas of focus, and felt I could truly handle any task that came my way.
So what was the catalyst that derailed everything?
Turning 36 two weeks ago.
I don't know if it's that my family feels so far away in Dublin and Charlotte, and my heart breaks thinking of how little time I get to spend with the people who matter most as I get older.
Or if it's my continuing to question if motherhood is something I truly want, yet the harsh reality that "perhaps one day" is a line that both my gynecologist and manicurist say is not going to work in my favor as the clock ticks on. (yes. manicurist.)
Or if it's that the last time I was truly "in love" was six whole years ago with a complete narcissist who was simultaneously dating someone else and as a result, despite all the work and healing I've done, there's a part of me that's still terrified to open my heart again in the way that I did with him.
My guess is that it's all three of the above and as a result, I got #DAF. (Distracted As F*%$. You're welcome)
I began to emotionally eat crappy food and justify one too many glasses of wine on the reg. I fixated on the disappointments in my life, despite there being SO MUCH GOOD. I got back on the dating apps and allowed myself to get time-sucked in. And although I gave myself the day after my birthday off with the blog, I couldn't focus or motivate enough to get back on track a week later.
So I let two weeks pass and to be fully transparent, as I sit here writing this post, I'm STILL struggling.
I question if I should share that I Irish-exited the 2017 party so early, and the shame I feel about being a freakin' life coach while not being able to sustain my focus and motivation for more than one measly month.
But for me, it's most important to share my truth with my readers and clients because no one is perfect, and EVERY HUMAN EXPERIENCE IS MESSY-- yes, even our life coaches', therapists', and yoga teachers' experiences.
Shit happens. Journey's don't go as planned. Relationships don't pan out the way we'd like. Auditions don't always go our way-- Lord knows they RARELY do.
And as far as I'm concerned, WE ARE MORE THAN ALLOWED TO FALL APART over them. We are more than allowed to feel a longing for something that hasn't yet come into fruition. We are more than allowed to acknowledge our deepest fears and live with them for a while before doing all the heavy work on dissolving them.
Sometimes we need that Ben and Jerry's pint to aid our angst, pain, and fear that inevitably creep up on us BEFORE FIGURING OUT HOW TO FIX IT.
How about we simply acknowledge it? Welcome it. And perhaps even honor it.
The more you do so, the quicker it will pass.
Trust me--since I admitted "I'm STILL struggling," the writer's block has been released, and I don't know about you but my spirit has been lifted.
Thank you for that.
Happy Claire Your Mind Monday.
Anyone else out there chuck their 2017 resolutions out the window? Are you attaching to the shame or choosing to let yourself off the hook before you get back on the horse again? Comment below and don't forget to contact me for your free session.