A rock star client began working with me because she wanted to embrace her self-worth and release her fear of being alone. She’s a rock star because during every session I feel her enthusiasm as she shares not only how beautifully she consistently applies the tools, but through inspired action she creates her own unique tools to break through painful limiting beliefs.
I LOVE when a client comes up with ways to tap into her inner “thrivedom,” but one particular approach she used, I was not a fan of.
To protect her privacy let’s call this rock star, Jane. Jane was having a not-so-great-day, feeling sad about her failed relationship and feeling “gross” in her body. Can any woman out there relate? Spiraling in a space of longing for someone who can’t show up the way you want him to, feeling like shite because you’re too overwhelmed with life, giving you zero motivation to improve any eating habits, let alone commit to a freakin’ exercise regimen?! Welcome to Being a Woman 101!
So Jane had had enough and took a good look in the mirror, firmly stating, “YOU are amazing. You’re F*$@ING AMAZING!!!!”
I felt a mixture of emotions when I heard her fierce delivery. Number one--excitement because this girl IS f*$@ing amazing! Number two--giddy joy because I LOVE a good ole positive affirmation—especially one with an F-bomb because sorry Mom, an exclamation point simply doesn’t cover most of my enthusiasm. But the third emotion conflicted with the others—angst. My gut didn’t buy that Jane authentically felt f*$@ing amazing, despite her valiant effort to convince herself otherwise.
I told Jane to pause and replay that moment in front of the mirror in her mind. I then asked what was happening in the body, to which she replied there was tightness in her throat and anxiety in her chest.
I asked again, “Does this approach make you feel better?” Tears of defeat and exhaustion arose, but I saw this realization as a BIG WIN for Jane.
Here’s the deal: denial and resistance to “what is” will only PERPETUATE THE PAIN.
Admitting you’re not ok, leaning into the discomfort, and building enough self-awareness to know what you really need to authentically soothe yourself, will eventually lead you to your desired state of peace and joy.
I asked Jane what she could do the next time she inevitably feels down after we agreed numbing out on Netflix, excessive shopping, binging on wine, and Facebook-stalking never really works--even though the savvy ego convinces us we’ll be so glad we did!
She, like the rock star she is, was very receptive to this new notion of what it would be like to just surrender to what is actually happening, without any kind of fixing or manipulating on her part, and decided to simply become a witness to the pain, the next time it arose.
I’m a big fan of wrapping yourself up in a yummy blanket, lighting some candles, making soothing tea, writing your real feelings down without judgment, and blasting whatever songs will help you get a fabulous ugly cry out, like mine in the above pic. For heartbreak, Kelly Clarkson’s Because of You is a real winner. (Or Where is Your Heart or Mr. Know-It-All…I can keep going)
This isn’t to say that all of a sudden your sadness will vanish after you torture whoever is home with your Top 40 addiction. (Or is that just me?) But I firmly believe it’s one of the healthiest ways to move through your pain. Acknowledge it head-on, be with it, and love yourself during all of it.
So in my book, (or blog if you will) not only is it OK to NOT be OK—it’s actually F*@$ING AMAZING!
How do YOU soothe yourself during painful moments that might help you go from singing The Trouble with Love Is to breathing for the first time blasting Since You’ve Been Gone? You’ve officially been warned that I am a Top 40 addict and will beat any and all references and jokes to death. #kclarkforever
Please share thoughts, self-care suggestions, and questions below! Happy Monday. Claire Your Minds!